Pride

When Our Inefficiency is Pleasing to God

~ alicia.ruth.yoder ~ 10 Comments

My three-and-a-half year old son loves crawling up on the counter and helping me cook. He likes to taste the flour and basil and ask all kinds of questions about what I’m making. Cracking eggs is accomplished by simultaneously squeezing and knocking the egg on the side of the bowl, as the egg goo runs through his fingers.  

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Before I had kids, it was much easier to plan out what I wanted to get done on a certain day, with only the occasional phone call (or teacher request during my planning period). By working hard, I could get my lessons written out and be ready for the next day.  

In this season of life with little ones, my tasks are constantly punctuated by needs, requests, questions, and exclamations of “Mommy, look at me!” Many times, I feel like I’m swimming upstream, against the American value of efficiency. Efficiency is defined as, “able to accomplish something with the least waste of time and effort.” As some equate time with money, I have often associated efficiency with success. 

In the roles God has entrusted to me, I am certainly called to get things done, but when I dig down to the roots of my heart, I realize that instead of my actions stemming from a heart of active, humble service to my Good Master, the roots are really pride.

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One definition of pride is “pleasure or satisfaction taken in something done by or belonging to oneself or believed to reflect credit upon oneself.” I want people to see what I’ve cleaned or written or decided is important and appreciate me. I focus on being an expert multi-tasker. When our pellet stove stops working, or my son chooses to whine rather than obey, I think that if I could only snap my fingers and fix the situation, I would be happier–until the next baby cry or unkind word from someone brings another wave of frustration.

In my pursuit of satisfaction in what I get done, I usually end the day feeling like a failure. And when I’ve been so determined to get everything crossed off my list, without considering anyone else’s desires or requests, I feel defeated in my relationships.

Transforming the Roots

I need to be brought back to the gospel. Today and tomorrow and every day until I reach eternity and fall on my face before the “Lamb who was slain.” (Revelation 5)

Jesus paid for all my pride, selfishness, and shame on the cross. He was perfectly faithful to the Father’s vision for His life, and He gives that faithful righteousness to me. His Spirit is living in me, making me more like Jesus and convicting me when I need to repent.

Through that repentance, grounded in His righteousness on my behalf, God has pointed me to a few ways to keep fighting the battle against pride.

  1. Be in awe.

The God who filled the oceans and flung galaxies into place created us to be in relationship with Him. The most popular movies and novels echo our desire to be in relationship with someone who will never let us down. Advertisements try to convince us to buy things for our benefit, yet the One who satisfies us invites us to “Come, all you who are thirsty, come to the waters; and you who have no money, come, buy and eat! Come, buy wine and milk without money and without cost.” (Isaiah 55:1) His everlasting covenant is ours through Jesus’ death and resurrection before we ever lift a finger in service to Him.

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2. Rest in God’s Sovereignty.

Preparing meal after meal after meal for my kids is a constant reminder that God isn’t in a hurry. 2 Peter 3:8-9 says “With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day. The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.” Sometimes, it feels like there are a thousand years worth of needs in one day, and yet God in His steadfastness, wants to carry me through each moment of my life.

3. Look back at His faithfulness as recorded in the Bible and in my own life.

God has always chosen to dwell with His people–through pillars of fire, the tabernacle, His Son clothed in human flesh, and now His Spirit at work in our hearts. His plan to save us literally unfolded over thousands of years (and is still unfolding as people from every nation are swept into His kingdom.)

4. Embrace His part for me.

God has given us limits for our good. Our limits point to His infiniteness, and the way He chooses to use a whole Body of believers in every part of the world to be a part of His kingdom work. Even when we are faithless and disobedient, He is always faithful to accomplish His purposes.

5. Keep working in gratefulness for His acceptance of me through Jesus.

Recently, Nathan Rittenhouse, a speaker for Ravi Zacharias ministries, came to our church to speak. He shared from Matthew 20 about the Parable of the Vineyard and the way it highlights God’s generosity completely apart from our ability to work. When we are satisfied in the good Master and what He has done for us, we can get up early the next day and be one of the first workers in the field. We can love and serve from a place of joy and thankfulness in the good way He wants to accomplish His will in our lives, rather than being stuck in our own vision or even someone else’s vision for our lives.

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If God wanted to appear efficient, He definitely wouldn’t have chosen to use us to be a part of reaching the nations with the gospel. Like my son trying help me cook, dropping egg shells in the bowl, splashing batter, and spilling oatmeal, God welcomes our uncoordinated help, worship, and love. If anyone else were to peek into our hearts, they would see a mess—toys on the floor, half-finished projects–they may even turn away in disgust when they smell the stinky diapers of our sin.

Yet, because of Jesus, God lovingly steps over the toys, picking up a few at a time when necessary, and changing us so that we don’t have to sit in our stink. When we cry, He holds us. When we pester Him with incessant requests and forget to thank Him, He listens. When we start to get the hang of walking, He celebrates with us, and when we lose our balance or hit our head on the coffee table, He picks us back up and holds our hand as we start again. Never longing for a break from us, he doesn’t sigh with relief when we finally fall asleep for the night.

His love is that unconditional.

How to Jump Out of the Comparison Trap

~ alicia.ruth.yoder ~ 7 Comments

How to Jump out of the Comparison TrapHer children are so much better behaved than mine.

She works full-time and still finds energy to bake cookies for the kindergarten class.

At least I don’t act like her.

Do you wish you could escape from the running commentary in your head?

I used to think that I should be much more concerned about my outward actions than what was bouncing around in my thoughts. After all, who was I hurting if I didn’t voice my judgments out loud?

Like a weak seam, every time I chose to compare myself with someone, a piece of my heart would tear a little more. As the hole widened, it allowed more and more destructive thoughts through. I figured that if I felt guilty enough, I could whip myself into shape.

But it only grew worse.

Timothy Keller, in his book The Freedom of Self-Forgetfulness, says that “the way the normal human ego tries to fill its emptiness and deal with its discomfort is by comparing itself to other people. All the time.”

I couldn’t change my behavior until God led me to the root of the problem: my nature without God.

This nature has a best friend called Pride.

Keller says that “spiritual pride is the illusion that we are competent to run our own lives, achieve our own sense of self-worth and find a purpose big enough to give us meaning in life without God.”

How to Jump out of the Comparison TrapIsn’t that what Adam and Eve ultimately wanted when they said they wanted to be like God? (Genesis 3:4) If they were like God, would they need Him anymore? If we were better than everyone else, would we?

Keller quotes from C.S. Lewis’ Mere Christianity, saying that “Pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next person.”

Better is only better if we become the best. Think of someone really successful–what happens if they don’t maintain their current level of perfection? Sounds exhausting, doesn’t it?

For a while, I tried to just ignore my thoughts. That worked about as well as climbing Mt. Everest in a swimsuit.

I needed an identity change. Keller reminds us that “it is only in the gospel of Jesus Christ that you get the verdict before the performance.”

We can’t do it on our own. But because of Jesus’ death and resurrection, paying the price for our sins, we don’t have to. Romans 8:1 says “there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” He has become our righteousness, so when the Father sees us, He sees Jesus’ perfection. Because we are identified with Jesus, the Father’s verdict “You are my beloved child in whom I am well pleased” applies to us as well (Matthew 3:17).

Keller explains that the apostle Paul, by calling himself the chief of sinners, acknowledges his sins but does not connect them to himself and his identity. Neither does he connect his accomplishments to this identity.

When our identity is not based on our performance, we can grow in gospel humility.

Keller puts it well when he says that “The thing we would remember from meeting a truly gospel-humble person is how much they seemed to be totally interested in us. Because the essence of gospel-humility is not thinking more of myself or thinking less of myself, it is thinking of myself less. . . I stop connecting every experience, every conversation, with myself.”

It’s not about me or them. It is only from this place of security that we can join in the fight for our thoughts. Here are some things that have helped me when unhealthy thoughts come knocking.

1. Remember it is a constant battle.
There have been times when I felt I could never change. Knowing it is a constant battle has helped, especially when I remember the Spirit is on my side, interceding on my behalf (Romans 8:26).

2. Practice the discipline of stopping your thoughts.
This isn’t something we can grit our teeth and do. After we ask for and accept God’s forgiveness, we can say, “I don’t want to go there, God,” knowing He’s the One who can bring true transformation.

3. Ask for God’s vision and perspective.
Sometimes, we can’t see the light at the end of the laundry or our thought patterns. My mentor challenged me to pray, “Jesus, please minister to me” when I feel stuck. Flip through the book of Psalms, and you can find countless cries for help. God always hears.

4. Talk to yourself.
K. Donovan, in her book Growing Through Stress, cited Martyn Lloyd Jones as sharing about the importance of “talking to myself instead of listening to myself talking.” When I let my mind roam free, it is easier to let destructive thoughts in. If I am proactively thinking about God’s promises and truths, it will leave less room for the other thoughts.

How to Jump out of the Comparison TrapAnd in the mornings when I’m so tired I can’t remember if I’ve showered or not, sometimes I need to listen to others speak the truth to me through online sermons, audio Bibles, and womens’ conference talks. (Click on the bolded words for some links.)

5. Give thanks.
Is there some way I can thank God for the person I find myself thinking about? Maybe I can say a quick prayer for them. Appearances can be deceiving.

Sometimes it also helps to just start telling God everything I’m thankful for.

Timothy Keller’s short book, The Freedom of Self-Forgetfulness brought so many of these concepts together for me in a clearer way than I’d ever heard before. It takes about an hour to read, and you can find it here.

And if you’d like to share some of these truths with the children in your life, you can check out Max Lucado’s “You are Special” here.

Carolyn Mahaney also wrote an excellent post on comparison entitled, “A Loving Rebuke.” 

Only God can change our comparison to blessing. Fight in His strength.

3 Reasons Why It’s Good To Make Mistakes

~ alicia.ruth.yoder ~ 9 Comments

I used to not forget anything.

Why It's Good to Make MistakesAnything, that is, that had to do with events/times/dates/etc. I’d write things on our calendar, set timers, write sticky notes, and even text myself. My weird personality and subconscious would hold hands and swim around inside my brain, whispering reminders in my ear as I was going to sleep.

“Don’t forget about that family dinner next Friday. . . Remember to turn on the crockpot as soon as you wake up.”

It was a source of pride.

And then we had a baby.

He wouldn’t nap to a timer, and the sticky notes kept falling off him. I forgot about his two-month check-up until it was too late. I missed a scheduled phone call. I’d walk into a room and beg my brain to remember what I came in there for. I felt like even my strengths were slipping away because of this little person.

Which was good, because it started to challenge beliefs I never knew I had.

I used to think: Mistakes = Sin.

Why It's Good to Make MistakesI didn’t make much of a distinction between being a finite human and being a sinner.

We are broken people living in a sin-stained world. This affects everything we do, including our mistakes. But that doesn’t mean every mistake is a sin.

My son is learning to drink milk from a cup. Sometimes it dribbles down his chin and splatters onto the table and floor. I don’t cry over it. And I don’t think Jesus cries over our spilled mistakes, either.

Before the Fall, Adam and Eve weren’t God. Even when we get to heaven, we won’t automatically know everything. We are human.

When mistakes are sin
Sometimes our mistakes do involve sin, though. It used to come naturally for me to feel guilty and abuse myself through my thoughts.

“Won’t you ever learn?”

“What’s your problem?”

It felt like some sort of penance. It was wrong.

Instead, God calls us to repent, ask for forgiveness (and the Spirit’s help), and then bask in the grace He offers because of Jesus’ death on the cross. Jesus has paid the price for all my fallen-ness and sinful mistakes.

So what is the alternative? What should replace the feelings once heavy with guilt, the you’ll-never-be-good-enough accusations in my head?

Recently, I felt the Spirit prompting me to consider what would happen if we weren’t aware of our mistakes. What if we were perfect in our own eyes?

It brought to mind the phrase in Judges, where the people of Israel “did what was right in their own eyes.” (Judges 17:6) When we think we have it all together, pride can creep in, and even unbelief (depending on myself for everything).

Here are three reasons why I’m glad God let’s me make mistakes.

Why It's Good to Make Mistakes1. Remembering my need for Jesus

When everything is going well, we say we have it all under control. But what exactly do we have under our control? A clean house? Obedient children? Appearances can be deceiving.

So many people don’t acknowledge that God is the One who gave them life, allows each breath, and orders the universe. If we don’t take moments to remember, we may start to look and live like them. We may start to think we can do life without Him if we can just organize, plan, and do better.

2. Opportunity to grow in humility

It’s always been hard for me to try things I don’t anticipate doing well at. (You can imagine what the gym class skills tests did to my insides.) Parenting is an everyday reminder of my need for Jesus. Sometimes the day is filled with mistakes, and sometimes it’s just plain messy.

At times, I feel like I’m kicking and screaming my way into sanctification. But it’s in those times of insufficiency, I see my own insignificance.

3. Time to focus on the perfection and all-consuming grace of our Father

I don’t have to be perfect. Jesus doesn’t expect it, so I shouldn’t either. God sent Jesus to live the perfect life so I don’t have to. He knew I never could.

No matter how many stifled laughs or raised eyebrows I encounter (or fear encountering), I can choose to accept the grace the Father longs to give me–no matter how many times I face-plant.

Being Selfless Through Compromise

~ alicia.ruth.yoder ~ 7 Comments

Selfless Through Compromise

Why does being selfless have to be so hard?

A couple weeks ago in our women’s Sunday School class, my toddler noticed a little girl carrying around her container of Cheerios and decided he should have some. Moments later, he had her snack and was shoving handfuls of cereal into his mouth. When I reached for the container, he screamed in protest. I took out his cup of Cheerios and offered it to the little girl. My son indicated that he wanted to have both snacks, but I told him to choose which one he wanted. (Of course he wanted hers.) The little girl went to sit on her mom’s lap, munching on his snack as I mouthed an apology to the mom.

It’s not like we’re born selfish, right? Oh wait. . . (see Jeremiah 17:9)

Shouldn’t I Just Give In?
A few days ago, Christopher and I were working through a disagreement, and the subject of selflessness came up.

If we really wanted to be like Christ, we reasoned, shouldn’t we give in to the other person’s wants and desires? After all, in Philippians 2:3-4, it says, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, 4 not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.”

The passage goes on to talk about having the attitude of Christ who “made himself nothing” and “became obedient to death.” (vs. 7-8) If we have placed our faith in Jesus, we have His Spirit living inside us, guiding us in making choices that show love to others.

But. . .

We still sin and struggle with sinful tendencies. All of our past, present, and future sins have been paid for by Jesus’ death on the cross, but we will participate in a fallen world until we reach heaven.

We need to confess our sin before God, and ask for His help to turn away from it. According to biblical teacher, Steve Wibberley, in his book, “Knowing Jesus is Enough For Joy, Period!” there are layers to our sin, with pride, unbelief and rebellion at the root of everything.

“Selflessness” vs. Honest Communication
The battle is intense. Satan wants us to keep us from being an active part in God’s kingdom. So what exactly does it mean to be selfless? What could be a pitfall of focusing on it?

Let’s say I disagree with my husband about something, but decide to be “selfless” and silently give in completely to his desires while ignoring my own. Later, if I think about my “selfless” act, I may commit the sin of pride, thinking I am better than him for giving in. If he had given in completely to my preferences without me giving him an opportunity to share his own, I would be selfish.

Deep, rich communication could be lost if I don’t respectfully share my feelings and preferences and instead try to look “selfless.” (which could cause me to be self-righteous or resentful)

If we instead listen to and validate each others’ feelings and preferences, seeking ways to honor and love the other person, that honest communication may end up looking a lot like compromise.

Selfless

Maybe Philippians 2 isn’t about how to make myself as miserable as possible.

Some questions I’ve asked myself as I’ve reflected on Philippians 2 are:
Could it be selfish to not share my feelings with my husband?
Could it be valuing him above myself when I give him the opportunity to fully express why he feels the way he does? (without interrupting)

If I feel heard, it is so much easier for me to “look to the interests of others.” But even when I don’t feel heard, I can always go to the One who is ever-present, who was tempted as we were, and who sympathizes with our struggles. (see Hebrews 4:15-16) Jesus is worth the fight against sin.

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