Relationships

How to Thrive as a Transplanted Wife

~ alicia.ruth.yoder ~ 9 Comments

How to Thrive as a Transplanted Wife Christopher and I were on our own during our first two years, figuring out how to be newlyweds. I was finishing my last year of college, and then we both got teaching jobs for a year.

We tried to keep up with our families up in Delaware and North Dakota (and siblings scattered from Michigan to Africa), but our social network was made up of college friends and members of the Chinese church we attended.

When the school year ended, we decided to spend some time near Christopher’s family and community as we prepared to move overseas. A year later, we felt the Lord’s redirection from overseas ministry and had to decide where we would live.

I had enjoyed the past year of putting down some roots and getting to know Christopher’s family and community more. I’d never lived in one place more than seven years, so we decided to stay put.

It’s been almost three years now since moving here–good, hard, fun, exciting, vision-searching years. God has continued to lovingly draw me out of my comfort zone as I’ve begun to find my place here.

Here are a few things I’ve learned since being transplanted into my husband’s community:

How to Thrive as a Transplanted Wife 1. Relationships take time.
When I was living in a college dorm, everyone had to actively make friends or have none. Friendships were measured by the semester, and I had to figure out who I was going to keep up with once graduation happened and everyone scattered across the world like confetti.

The ground felt much more solid when we moved to the same town where Christopher’s great-great grandparents had lived. I noticed that there wasn’t as much of a rush to deepen relationships as on the college campus. Interactions felt more like a slow cooker than a microwave.

I had to learn to relax in these new relationships and enjoy the seasoning process.

2. His family isn’t mine (and that’s okay).
I’m so grateful for my in-laws and the life perspective I get when I’m with them. It helps me understand my husband better and be more accepting of traditions and ways of doing things as we build up our own little family. (Things like adding seasoned salt to popcorn, singing before meals, and appreciating a well-told story.)

At Christmas, we spent some time with my family and Christopher said, “You’re like a totally different person with your family.” My counselor reminded me that I had a whole lot more shared experiences with my own family, and as I get to know my in-laws better, I’ll grow into my place there, too.

3. There’s nothing wrong with observing (or not knowing).
Sometimes when I was in a group setting, I worried about not contributing to the conversation. I feared they thought I was rude. I had to learn that it was okay to enjoy breathing the same air and just listen.

And when stories were told from “before my time,” I could appreciate the history of the place I’m living.

4. I have the unique opportunity to enjoy and bless other transplanted wives.
I’ve found that there can be a certain camaraderie between other transplanted wives if we are only brave enough to share our experiences with each other. And what a relief to know I’m not the only one who doesn’t know how everyone is related.

It’s also a good excuse to be the one to welcome someone who is even newer to the community than me. We can even relate to missionaries who are coming back to the States and finding their place in the culture and community again.

How to Thrive as a Transplanted Wife 5. My friends aren’t all my husband’s friends.
Shortly after we moved here, I started a women’s prayer group at my house. I made additional friendships through church and other mutual friends.

When I had a baby, I got to know women who had already been wiping up sticky floors for a few years. Christopher got connected with friends who play music and enjoy board games.

It’s been a blessing to feel the freedom to pursue friendships individually and as a couple.

6. I can enjoy new ministry pursuits.
When I lived in North Dakota in high school, I regularly played on a worship team at church. In South Carolina, I taught 3-5th grade Sunday School for three years. When I moved here, I was able to start fresh and ask God where I would best fit at this stage in my life.

7. Being bold brings blessing. (Do you like that alliteration?)
I’ve need this pep talk regularly. When I’ve quit worrying about how I’m being perceived and shared my own life and struggles with others, it’s opened up the way for others to do the same. It doesn’t matter that we didn’t sit next to each other in kindergarten or that we didn’t graduate from the same high school. Maybe we can’t laugh over shared memories yet, but we can enjoy life right now and listen to each others’ histories.

So if you’re a transplanted wife, know that there are others in the same canoe. We might just be too shy to say anything yet.

On the other hand, if you’ve been planted in the area your whole life, we can’t wait to get to know you, too, (and hear some embarrassing stories about our husbands.)

What have you learned as a transplanted wife?

How to Jump Out of the Comparison Trap

~ alicia.ruth.yoder ~ 7 Comments

How to Jump out of the Comparison TrapHer children are so much better behaved than mine.

She works full-time and still finds energy to bake cookies for the kindergarten class.

At least I don’t act like her.

Do you wish you could escape from the running commentary in your head?

I used to think that I should be much more concerned about my outward actions than what was bouncing around in my thoughts. After all, who was I hurting if I didn’t voice my judgments out loud?

Like a weak seam, every time I chose to compare myself with someone, a piece of my heart would tear a little more. As the hole widened, it allowed more and more destructive thoughts through. I figured that if I felt guilty enough, I could whip myself into shape.

But it only grew worse.

Timothy Keller, in his book The Freedom of Self-Forgetfulness, says that “the way the normal human ego tries to fill its emptiness and deal with its discomfort is by comparing itself to other people. All the time.”

I couldn’t change my behavior until God led me to the root of the problem: my nature without God.

This nature has a best friend called Pride.

Keller says that “spiritual pride is the illusion that we are competent to run our own lives, achieve our own sense of self-worth and find a purpose big enough to give us meaning in life without God.”

How to Jump out of the Comparison TrapIsn’t that what Adam and Eve ultimately wanted when they said they wanted to be like God? (Genesis 3:4) If they were like God, would they need Him anymore? If we were better than everyone else, would we?

Keller quotes from C.S. Lewis’ Mere Christianity, saying that “Pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next person.”

Better is only better if we become the best. Think of someone really successful–what happens if they don’t maintain their current level of perfection? Sounds exhausting, doesn’t it?

For a while, I tried to just ignore my thoughts. That worked about as well as climbing Mt. Everest in a swimsuit.

I needed an identity change. Keller reminds us that “it is only in the gospel of Jesus Christ that you get the verdict before the performance.”

We can’t do it on our own. But because of Jesus’ death and resurrection, paying the price for our sins, we don’t have to. Romans 8:1 says “there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” He has become our righteousness, so when the Father sees us, He sees Jesus’ perfection. Because we are identified with Jesus, the Father’s verdict “You are my beloved child in whom I am well pleased” applies to us as well (Matthew 3:17).

Keller explains that the apostle Paul, by calling himself the chief of sinners, acknowledges his sins but does not connect them to himself and his identity. Neither does he connect his accomplishments to this identity.

When our identity is not based on our performance, we can grow in gospel humility.

Keller puts it well when he says that “The thing we would remember from meeting a truly gospel-humble person is how much they seemed to be totally interested in us. Because the essence of gospel-humility is not thinking more of myself or thinking less of myself, it is thinking of myself less. . . I stop connecting every experience, every conversation, with myself.”

It’s not about me or them. It is only from this place of security that we can join in the fight for our thoughts. Here are some things that have helped me when unhealthy thoughts come knocking.

1. Remember it is a constant battle.
There have been times when I felt I could never change. Knowing it is a constant battle has helped, especially when I remember the Spirit is on my side, interceding on my behalf (Romans 8:26).

2. Practice the discipline of stopping your thoughts.
This isn’t something we can grit our teeth and do. After we ask for and accept God’s forgiveness, we can say, “I don’t want to go there, God,” knowing He’s the One who can bring true transformation.

3. Ask for God’s vision and perspective.
Sometimes, we can’t see the light at the end of the laundry or our thought patterns. My mentor challenged me to pray, “Jesus, please minister to me” when I feel stuck. Flip through the book of Psalms, and you can find countless cries for help. God always hears.

4. Talk to yourself.
K. Donovan, in her book Growing Through Stress, cited Martyn Lloyd Jones as sharing about the importance of “talking to myself instead of listening to myself talking.” When I let my mind roam free, it is easier to let destructive thoughts in. If I am proactively thinking about God’s promises and truths, it will leave less room for the other thoughts.

How to Jump out of the Comparison TrapAnd in the mornings when I’m so tired I can’t remember if I’ve showered or not, sometimes I need to listen to others speak the truth to me through online sermons, audio Bibles, and womens’ conference talks. (Click on the bolded words for some links.)

5. Give thanks.
Is there some way I can thank God for the person I find myself thinking about? Maybe I can say a quick prayer for them. Appearances can be deceiving.

Sometimes it also helps to just start telling God everything I’m thankful for.

Timothy Keller’s short book, The Freedom of Self-Forgetfulness brought so many of these concepts together for me in a clearer way than I’d ever heard before. It takes about an hour to read, and you can find it here.

And if you’d like to share some of these truths with the children in your life, you can check out Max Lucado’s “You are Special” here.

Carolyn Mahaney also wrote an excellent post on comparison entitled, “A Loving Rebuke.” 

Only God can change our comparison to blessing. Fight in His strength.

Mom Enough (Free Book!)

~ alicia.ruth.yoder ~ 8 Comments

Mom EnoughWhy does being a mom have to be so hard?

Why do some moms make it look like baking brownies from a box?

Have you ever felt like you don’t have what it takes?

Sometimes I’m tempted to think of motherhood as one more item to check off my list by the end of the night (or through the night).

It’s easy to lose the sacredness of shaping a soul when the dishes are crusty and the floors are gritty.

When he shouts, “No!” for the hundredth time today and begs constantly for Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

Our culture values condoms over pacifiers, freedom over responsibility, independence over self-sacrifice. The sweet looks my son gets at the grocery store make me almost forget the cultural values we are going up against when we seek to raise our children in the light of the gospel.

If only that were our only problem.

Ephesians 6:12 says, “our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” 

Souls are at stake in this war.

I need constant reminders of my calling as a mom. Otherwise, the distracting voices shouting at me to be “supermom” start to sound logical. I lose focus.

Mom EnoughMom Enough: The Fearless Mother’s Heart and Hope is a collection of articles by women who are in the trenches, seeking to raise their families in the truth of the gospel. I’ve been reading one article each morning as part of my devotions, and God has used it to renew my mind (Romans 12:2) in this wearying season of motherhood. You can download it for free here.

Rachel Jankovic, mother of six, brought tears to my eyes as her article reminded me that “motherhood is not a hobby, it is a calling.” She wrote the first article in the book, but you can also read it here.

Do you have what it takes to be a mom?

Mom EnoughI sure don’t.

Rachel Pieh Jones, shared that “God is, always has been, and always will be, God enough. The battle is over whether or not I will believe it, whether or not I will delight in God’s enough-ness.

“And somehow, in God’s mathematics of grace:

“Mom (never enough) + God (infinitely enough) = Mom enough.

“Mom enough to believe and to be called Chosen, Daughter, Righteous, Honored, Heir, Forgiven, Redeemed.”

Jesus is the only source of true satisfaction in motherhood and in every other part of life. Let’s be the little reminders in each others’ lives as we look to the One who is infinitely enough.

7 Things to Do When Your Husband is a Dreamer

~ alicia.ruth.yoder ~ 8 Comments

When Your Husband is a DreamerI’m married to an external processor.

Whenever my husband proposes that we change something, I feel like tiny ants have burrowed under my skin and are trying to wriggle their way out.

Because staying the same feels so much safer.

If I come up with an idea, I usually think about it for a while before telling anyone, making sure my ideas and dreams make logical sense in my own mind. When I do spill my thought beans, I’ve already weighed a number of pros and cons. Basically, I’m secretly hoping for a stamp of approval when I present my idea, tied with a pretty red bow.

Now if I were a hermit, this plan would work perfectly, but relationships tend to throw a socket wrench in my thought-out plans.

I’m so thankful for the wrench called Christopher. He’s strong in a lot of areas I’m not. His passion for life and easy-going spirit are two qualities that first attracted me to him.

The trouble comes when he excitedly shares an idea with me and I think he’s thought through it the same way I would have. I go into panic mode, and as my face registers horrified shock, I see him begin to deflate.

Here are seven things I’ve tried to do when I feel the fear pushing out its ugly head.

When Your Husband is a Dreamer1. Listen
I don’t usually think of myself as someone who interrupts, but when I get scared and our future is involved, my tongue starts flapping with objections before my husband can even finish his sentence. As women, we long for security, so it’s a legitimate feeling, but one of the ways we can show respect to our husbands is to really listen (rather than spending most of the time figuring out what we’re going to say next). Like Jasmine, we can step onto our Aladdin’s magic carpet and try to enjoy the scenery of his dreams.

2. Remember
Do I really believe my husband is going to take the money out of our account tomorrow to buy a powered para-glider? It’s important to remember the trust that we’ve built up together over the past years of marriage. Warning flags may be popping up everywhere in your mind.

“This could never work.”

“What would we do about ____?”

“This is crazy!”

Remind yourself that you are in this together and that if he is a believer, you both serve a God who is able to direct each season of life.

3. Suggest an Alternate Time
Since our most focused time as a couple is before we go to sleep, Christopher would often share ideas and dreams for the future at night. I’d be so tired from the day that I couldn’t cope emotionally with listening to the ideas. My mentor Natalie suggested that if I felt I couldn’t handle a conversation, I could suggest another time to talk, (and prepare myself for it). It communicates that we value what our husbands are saying, but can listen and support them better by getting a little sleep first.

4. Be thankful
Our husbands’ passions often flow into their dreams. If I’m shooting down every idea he shares with me, he’ll find someone else to share them with, and I’ll miss out. I believe God gives us gifts to bring Him glory, which can also give us a sense of fulfillment as we pursue Him. When I feel overwhelmed, I should take a moment to reflect on the man behind the idea.

5. Pray with him
I’m often amazed by what my husband says when I ask him what I can pray for. It opens a peephole into his soul, and helps in the process of joining together in what God is doing in and through us. And it might even reveal what parts of his dreams he’s really serious about and which involve striking gold in order to happen. Who knows? It might open up the way for him to invite you to share your dreams.

6. Pray for him
God is ready for you to pour all your emotions and fears. (Just page through a few of the psalms if you don’t believe me). He’s the only One who can bring true peace no matter the circumstance. And if you’ve arranged another time to talk about your husband’s dreams, by spending time before God first, you can be more emotionally prepared to hear him out. It may also be appropriate to share your feelings with a trusted friend or mentor, (while still speaking respectfully of your husband).

When Your Husband is a Dreamer7. Compromise
It’s a beautiful thing when we feel free to share our dreams with our partner and get to share in his. God has given my husband the authority to lead and protect our family, and if we’re both in it together, we can move forward confidently in the roles God has placed us in. It takes lots of grace and help from the Holy Spirit, and may look a lot like compromise. If you want to read my post on being selfless through compromise, click here.

Relationships take time, effort and a whole lot of love. It’s why the Father let His own Son be sacrificed–so that our relationship with Him could be possible. And whether we feel like we’re succeeding or failing, we can always call out for help. Because the Spirit is right there, cheering us on.